Attachment style traps

How we can get trapped by attachments and where this might have started for you.

The ‘people pleasing’ pattern, where we put others first or give away our power and judge ourselves for not being good enough, is a common struggle.  And it comes down to how we learnt to feel loved and valued when we were children.

When I was a little girl, I used to get told “Be a good girl do as your told” “Clean your room and then you’ll get some treats/pocket money…” whatever it was. The underlying message here, which I learnt, was that I’m valued based on what I do, and that what I do is dependent on what other people tell me, if I want to be loved, rewarded, given treats…

The problem with this is that my value and worth as a human being, is going to be wrapped up in what others think of me, based on certain conditions.

If I’m a good girl, and what exactly does that mean, who determines what good is ?

It might be determined by my weight, how I look, dress, how beautiful I am… how tall or short I am,

Or how well I do at work and how I’m seen by my boss, work colleagues… How much do I say ‘yes’ to everything and get stressed and overwhelmed, unable to say no or have a voice in anything… and all this pressure to be something is in pursuit of being accepted and valued, by others.  But the catch here is that I’m not accepting myself when I’m trying to be something for someone else.  The subtle message is I don’t think I’m good enough as I am, that I have to be something for someone else.

Conditional Self Esteem 1-1

So when the conditions (that I’m creating by seeking it from others)  aren’t being met it leads to insecurities and low self esteem.  This is Conditional Self Esteem 1-1.  It’s an exhausting roller coaster ride of constantly seeking the approval of others to feel valued or worthy as a Human being.

In extreme, You can become so dependent upon the approval of someone else in order to make a decision, think behave – that it can result in narcissistic and co-dependent relationships.

So when those insecurities are triggered – our self worth is on the line, we can fall into one of two attachment styles.

So the vast amount of research in to this area suggests that our ‘attachment style’ is based on how we dealt with being separated from our mothers as young children. The simplistic version of the study looked at what happened when a mother left her child in a room and then how the child reacted when the mother comes back into the room.

Anxiously attached child

So an anxiously attached child would be pinning for their mother craving her attention, and be beside itself wondering what happened to their mum, for the entire time she was away.  As soon as she returns there’s an obvious need to be held and be told that everything is ok, in order to feel safe again. At that point they develop an anxiety of not wanting to leave mums side, out of a fear she might leave again. So that is the anxiously attached style.

Avoidant attached child

So in the avoidant attachment style when mum leaves the child, then comes back and the child is overly distant as if they didn’t even notice that mum was gone and continues playing in their own world… this is the avoidant attachment style. What’s happening internally for that child is the same stress response as the anxiously attached child, except they are not showing their emotion. As a coping strategy and way of dealing with the separation they experienced, they shut off from their emotion.  They emotionally match the separation they experienced as a response and way of coping.

So their behavior will be acting like they don’t care, but the insecurity they felt of being separated will be affecting them at a cellular level in their body.

If you experience either of these styles – there is a way through it.

My name is Tzara from My confidence coach and I coach people in matters of the heart and how to find your leading edge in relationships.  Whether you are recovering from a difficult separation or learning how to love again and wanting to attract the right partner next time.
Book a call with me and lets chat