At the time of writing, Mae-sa was 35 years and had been celibate for 7 years.

In the article she describes having two long-term ‘friends with benefits’ one for 7 years the other for 10 years.  It was only when the last one ended that she questioned; “why was she good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to be taken on dates or introduced to friends.”

This got me thinking… Do the benefits of ‘situationships’ outweigh the cons or do the cons do more damage in the long run?

Having a ‘friend with benefits’ is a way of investing in someone to see where it goes.  Investing your time, your energy… your care and attention. The trap is to keep on investing, without getting the same level of investment back.

Only to find yourself in a holding pattern, waiting for them to want something more and instead settling for a casual ‘situationship’ when a committed relationship is really wanted.

This will play havoc with your mental health. If you find yourself in long term situationships the cons that no-one talks about is a risk of low self-esteem, resulting in:

❌ self-doubt,

❌ anxiety,

❌ stress and even

❌ depression. 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve personally never encountered a guy whose changed his mind about casually dating. The boundary having already been blurred in the beginning made it near impossible to change later on.  

Settling for less than you deserve in a relationship, is a double edge sword.  It’s guaranteed that you’ll alter your behaviour to become whatever you think, the other person wants you to be because it’s better than the alternative of being alone.

I see a lot of women opting for casual relationships, or relationships where they aren’t being treated well, valued or respected. And this is because of a belief that if they don’t settle they’ll be single and celibate forever.

There is also the option, to just quit dating altogether, like Mae-sa.  This seems like very black and white thinking, with neither option providing the actual result being sought.

The third option is to date with intention.  And this is what I help my clients to do. 

It requires knowing what you want from the get-go and not settling for anything less.

Create some simple boundaries for yourself:

💪  Make a promise to yourself; NOT settle for anything less than what you want.

💖  Only date people who are also wanting the same type of relationship as you (ie not casual)

🥰 Don’t get intimate with someone and invest your energy with them, until you are getting the same level of investment back.

🔥 And date multiple partners (increase your social life) until you get the commitment back from someone you want to invest your time and energy in.

You don’t have to settle; going from one ‘situationship’ to another, to avoid being alone. 

You also don’t need to stop dating altogether, which will only serve to ensure you never find the love you seek.  

Instead of shutting off from dating, shut off from being compromised.