Why didn’t he/she call you back…?

Being Ghosted says more about that person… and gives you an opportunity to develop greater emotional intelligence.

I think we have all had that feeling of “what’s wrong with me, why didn’t he call me back?” ….funny thing is there is always a reason.

Not getting a response from someone you’ve enjoyed spending time with can bring up emotions, not least of which is wanting some closure.  The mind will try and understand why you’ve been ghosted, from making you feel better about yourself, to seeing the other person as rude, immature or commitment phobic.

More often than not, the quietness of the other person is to do with how they feel about themselves, or how they feel about the situation ‘they’ have found themselves in.  Their inability to communicate that to you, says more about them than it does about you.

Blaming yourself is not a resourceful way to deal with it or find closure. Wondering “what did I do?” or thinking there’s something wrong with you, will make you think and feel rejected.  The thing to catch here is that these thoughts are simply assumptions you have created.  These are simply reasons you have given to yourself in the absence of any facts. That is important to catch… When you make an assumption you actually don’t know the facts.  When you make an assumption catch if it supports the question “What did I do wrong?”  Your assumptions could just as easily be out of a concern for their loss, or from an understanding that they simply aren’t ready for your awesomeness.

If you feel rejected it will be coming from within you, not from the other person. That feeling of being rejected is a trigger reminding you of the first time you experienced that feeling and what you learnt to associate with it, either good or bad.

Let me explain…

In the context of a romantic interest, no-one I know off actively wants to feel rejected, right?  So in order to avoid feeling the rejection you might send a load of text messages to the person, looking for some sort of response any sort of response that you are liked.  What can often happen when that strategy is running, is that you read way too much into the most insignificant of responses or text messages.

Or you might avoid any contact rather than risk being vulnerable as a way of avoiding feeling hurt, but continually check your phone using mental energy hoping they contact you, counting every minute they don’t.   Can you see that both strategies are a way of avoiding feeling rejected?

So consider what associations or meaning you are making from not hearing back from someone. What is the emotion you don’t want to feel?  Is it rejection, is it a feeling of being unlovable? Unworthy?  Only you will know.

Whatever it is, try and sit in the discomfort of feeling that. I know that sounds counterproductive.  But hear me out…. When you no longer have fear of whatever emotion is being triggered, you will be free of this mental energy. So rather than avoid or reject that emotion, sit with it and be in the discomfort of it – so that it no longer controls you.

I have had situations where I’ve just met someone, and they weren’t able to commit because their previous partner decided to rekindle things again. I’ve had situations where the other person got scared and didn’t want to deal with their emotions.

I’ve had situations where the other person thought I could do everything and they didn’t need to bring anything to the table. And I’ve had situations where that person fell in love when they didn’t want to, so they ghosted instead.

Everyone has a reason for what they do.

What to do about it?  If you’ve been ghosted or planning on ghosting someone – consider what is being triggered for you – what if anything do you want to feel or not feel and would having an honest and direct communication change anything for you?

Text responses if you think you are being ghosted:

  • “Hey x! I haven’t heard from you in a while, I am getting the vibe that you’re not interested in this anymore, please just be up-front with me as I’d rather know where I stand so we can both have some closure.”

If you are thinking about ghosting someone try this message of closure (ignoring their existence is worse)

  • “Thanks for the date & meeting me.  I’m sorry, but I didn’t feel the spark I was hoping for, I wish you the best of luck”
  • “I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but have met someone I’m more compatible with.  You’re a great person.  I’m sorry and wish you the best.”
  • “A big part of dating is getting to know each other and I now think we aren’t as compatible as I thought.  Thanks for your time and I wish you the best of luck”

You are going to feel so much more in control of your own mental energy facing things as soon as they arise. If you continue using avoiding strategies, distracting yourself from the relationship you want or wasting mental energy worrying and being anxious, checking every hour to see if they have contacted you or not, you will be setting yourself up for a rollercoaster ride of un-resourceful emotions.  So can you see how either behaviour will confirm any limiting beliefs about yourself, supported by your unknown assumptions?

If this is happening for you book a call with me and lets work it through together.